Sexual shame, a pervasive and deeply ingrained force that impacts women’s experiences of their sexuality, is often intertwined with religious beliefs and teachings. Having been a sex therapist and sexual health advocate for years, Natasha Helfer emphasizes the importance of shedding light on and becoming aware of the messages received from a young age that discouraged an empowered approach to the body, autonomy, sexual development, and the experience of pleasure.
The Impact of Religious Teachings on Women’s Sexuality
Many religious traditions promote ideals of purity, modesty, and sexual restraint, often placing a disproportionate burden of shame and guilt on women for their sexual desires and behaviors. A woman’s value is often placed directly on her sexual status or sexual desirability. Female sexuality is often seen through the lens of male pleasure and satisfaction, leaving women feeling that their sexuality is “for” somebody else, instead of an integral part of their individuality. These harmful and limiting messages can lead to internalized beliefs of unworthiness, self-judgment, and a disconnection from one’s own body and desires.
Clinical Problems Stemming from Sexual Shame
Natasha Helfer has observed that these internalized beliefs can lead to various clinical problems such as vaginismus and other genital pain disorders, anorgasmia, duty/obligatory sex, PTSD, dissociation, low levels of desire, sexual aversion, relational distress, and eating disorders, to name a few.
Steps to Address Sexual Shame
Here are three steps that Natasha Helfer recommends to start addressing sexual shame in your life:
- Permission: Give yourself the permission to understand and address sexual shame within the context of your religious upbringing. This will require a willingness to challenge certain outdated beliefs and social constructs that seek to control and suppress women’s sexual expression. Were you taught that masturbation was a sin? That you should hide your “sultriness” lest you tempt a man? That you should avoid feeling desire or attraction unless it is in the context of a person you are married to? All of these interfere with your ability to know your body, your sexual template, and preferences.
- Education: Educate yourself about healthy sexual principles, your anatomy, and sexual practices. In knowledge, you can find empowerment and a reclaiming of how your sexuality shows up best for you. This may involve reading books, attending workshops, or seeking therapy from a mental health professional who specializes in sexual issues. By learning about healthy sexual practices and attitudes, you can begin to challenge the negative messages you may have internalized from your religious upbringing. You will also learn what types of things you are interested in and what styles of sexuality are not interesting.
- Practice Pleasure: Start practicing pleasure. Many women have not been raised to embrace pleasure, but rather hard work and productivity. You can start with small things like noticing the warm sun on your face, taking the time for a bath, and giving yourself a foot rub with your favorite lotion. It is common for women to see these types of small pleasures as a “waste of time” or selfish. By fostering and practicing pleasure and self-care, women can start to heal the internalized messages that often don’t allow them the time or enjoyment to spend on something like their sexuality. Your pleasure matters. Centering your sexuality on pleasure and what feels good, instead of on what you think it “should” be like, is integral to healing sexual shame. Pleasure is an integral part of your overall health and should be considered part of your wellness plan. As women learn to relax and surrender to pleasure, they destress, release healthy hormones, and connect to themselves and others.
Healing from Sexual Shame
By challenging harmful narratives, fostering self-acceptance, gaining education, and practicing pleasure, women can begin to heal from the wounds of sexual shame and reclaim their sense of self-worth, empowerment, and joy in their sexuality. This is why at Symmetry Counseling, Natasha Helfer and her team are passionate about providing trained sex therapists who can help through individual counseling, partnered counseling, support groups, and many other resources in the healing journey.
